Once Upon a Time
There is no doubt, if you have children with an ex who turned out to be a psycho, there was a time the two of you were happy together and you NEVER would have predicted this outcome. Yet, now, you find yourself perusing an article for tips on how to manage the ex’s insanity.
The scary thing is your ex knows you so well, he/she can likely manipulate you right into being a psycho yourself, properly motivate (i.e. having your buttons pushed and switches flipped). Once you learn how to take that power back, you make your psycho ex really unhappy.
Don’t Be Played
The key is to learn to control your emotions and behavior, not your ex’s, no matter how you are baited, taunted, manipulated, etc. When you react, you make the psycho happy. Then, there you are rolling in the mud too. Psychos like when they can control you that way. When you take that power back your life will change in a hurry.
Guess what, having kids with a psycho means that you will be connected way past 18—graduations, weddings, birthdays, etc. Will you let them pay rent in your head for that long? Learn to manage the situation with these tips.
Don’t Get Your Back Up
Save your strength for the issues that really matter like where the kids will go to school, religious upbringing, etc. Excuse yourself from topics you know will get hot in the frying pan. If your kids are still under 18 when divorce happens, work quickly with your LLLT to get a parenting plan (temporary or final) in place. If your psycho is intentionally not following the parenting plan, don’t fight about it, calmly and diligently gather evidence. Provide that to your LLLT, who can initiate a contempt motion to get the matter before a judge. Contempt is a great remedy for repeat offenders. Be reasonable and compromise on issues that are of little significance to you. If your children’s health, safety and well-being are not in jeopardy, it’s not worth the fight…unless you are being a psycho too!
Put it in Writing
Get a parenting plan in place as soon as possible. This is especially important when dealing with a high-conflict ex who doesn’t want to cooperate—possibly one who will attempt to use litigation to punish you. Your LLLT can get a temporary parenting plan, child support and possibly maintenance in place for you and your children very quickly. This will create a guideline and expectations for both you, and your ex, to follow. The parenting plan will address pretty much all the issues you and your ex may disagree about such as residential time, decision making, holidays, school, drop offs/pick ups, etc., and ensure you have less need to deal with each other. If your ex decides not to follow it, judges can spot malcontent from a mile away.
High-conflict exes will figure out very quickly that going to court is costly. Especially, when hit with contempt and ordered to pay your LLLT’s fees. Win. Win. For those psychos who can afford to use court as a battleground, there are now abusive litigation statutes in place to protect you.
Maybe a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL)
If the conflict rises to the level of harming the kids, perhaps a GAL might be a possibility. A GAL represents the interests of the children, investigates and reports back to the court. They can be costly, but can get to the bottom of who is telling the truth, what is going on in each home, and paint that picture for the judge.
The Inevitable Will Happen
Despite your best efforts, your ex will manage to anger you. It will likely be a deliberate effort, meant to make you fly off the handle. Prepare for it. Watch for it—like watching out for landmines. And learn to walk away. During those trying time, stay focused on being the best parent you can be, in sometime not ideal situations, while striving to raise happy kids. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Your kids are watching you and learning from you. Show them through your words and actions how to deal with someone who is being a bully and behaving disrespectfully. Teach then well!
Effective co-parenting is the best resolve. That way, you, and your children walk away winners. If you are facing a situation like this, and could use some help, reach out. I understand how challenging it is to coparent with a high-conflict ex and can offer effective solutions to avoid ending up in a court battle (which may very well be what the ex wants).
I am here to help you understand the pitfalls, and support you through the process. Please contact me at: [email protected]
***There is a BIG difference between an ex that wants to stress you out and one who wants to put you in the hospital, or worse. If you have that kind of an ex, this is not the article for you. Please immediately proceed with getting the proper protection in place for you and your children.
Disclaimer: The information presented here is for general informational purposes and does not constitute legal advice.