If you have decided to file for divorce and are trying to figure out how to be smart about it, these 25 tips may help. They will help you inventory your life, and better understand how to prepare for your future.
1. Order a copy of you and your spouse’s credit report.
2. Make copies of all important records and documents.
3. Inventory all property in the home whether you are staying or moving out—the house, shop, garage, safes, storages, etc. Video and take pictures of all property (inside and outside—including yard, outbuildings, patio, etc.). This will also document the condition of the home and belongings. If possible, have a witness with you when you take the video inventory, and capture the witness’s face in the video for proof or presence.
4. Inventory and video the contents of safe deposit box(es).
5. If possible, pay off and close all joint credit accounts before you and your ex separate. Consider freezing all joint credit card accounts, so neither party can use them. This will keep both parties from running up charges, that you may later be held responsible for.
6. Have a safety and exit plan if there is any history of domestic violence.
7. Try to remain civil and treat your spouse with respect. Avoid acting or making statements in anger. Never post or send emails when you are angry or upset, as they will come back to haunt you in the divorce. This will be a tough experience, but you will get through it and will become empowered in the process.
8. Start saving cash. Have enough money set aside to get by for at least two months until temporary orders can be put in place, and to pay legal fees.
9. Get informed about the divorce process, and how to manage the emotional pitfalls. Anger will creep in, you may even find yourself lashing out due to the stress, uncertainty and grief. It would be a good investment of time and money to seek out a mental health counselor. If you are still on your spouse’s insurance policy, use the mental health benefits now, and address any another other pending medical issues, as that insurance coverage will end the day the final divorce decree is signed.
10. Accept that as you contemplate divorce and move in that direction, your feelings of ambivalence and wavering are normal. Your emotions will likely be all over the place, and that is to be expected. This is one of the hardest decisions you will make in your life.
11. Make a new email account so that any communication you have regarding divorce, seeking an LLLT, counseling, and other divorce related communication can remain private. If you are still living with your ex, use an incognito widow so the computer does not create a history of your activity in setting up this account, or otherwise.
12. Are you the victim of abuse? Take action to protect yourself and your kids. Meet with an LLLT to make a legal plan of action, and possibly secure emergency temporary orders and a protection order.
13. Keep a running list of questions as they occur to you. That way, you will be prepared for your consultation and subsequent appointments.
14. Be mindful of who you confide in regarding your plans, and how much you confide. This includes family.
15. Write down your biggest fears. Evaluate them objectively. Doing so helps to put them into perspective. Getting input from your LLLT, will help you understand the process and take the wind out of your fears. It is common to worry about affording life after divorce, how the divorce will affect the kids, if you will be alone forever, etc.
16. It is a fact, kids are impacted by divorce, but how you and your ex treat each other and handle the situation going forward can go a long way toward minimizing lasting negative effects. The warzone you and your ex may be creating will leave your kids as collateral damage. Despite what you may think, they are being deeply scared and wounded in ways that can affect them for the rest of their life.
17. Anything that could remotely be interpreted as inappropriate behavior can (and likely will) be used against you in court. It’s important to be aware of this and do your best to remain in control of your emotions/actions. This is doubly true if children are involved in your divorce action. Don’t vent on social media, in email, or text. Everything you post or send, has the potential to end up in front of the judge and make a difference in the outcome of your divorce.
18. Understand that anger and vindictiveness is what drives parties to aggressive litigation (i.e., hearing after hearing, eventually trial and financial ruin). It would be best for everyone involved if you and your ex could avoid court. It is much better to agree on all aspects of the division of property, children (visitation/support/etc.), rather than have a hurried, disinterested judge do it for you. The bottom line is that the judge does not know you or your children. After getting a very brief snapshot of your life, he will be making decision that will have lasting impact you and your kids.
19. Get your financial ducks in a row. Divorce is a purge of all financial information on both sides. You will be required to provide information to the court regarding income, investments, taxes, retirement funds, credit accounts, bank accounts, college accounts, etc. Start getting all those records together (while you still have access to them). Both sides will need to provide proof of where they stand financially. The reason for that is so an equitable division of assets (and debts) can be made between the parties.
20. Establish credit in your own name. Sometimes, divorce is financially devastating for both parties. If one party is a stay-at-home parent, credit may be solely in the working party’s name. You will need credit to rent an apartment, or a house.
21. Know what investments, bank accounts, 401k, etc., are part of the marital community, since it is not uncommon for a spouse to raid accounts. It is much easier to get an LLLT early in the process and have all funds accounted for and assets frozen, than it is to prove a negative, and demand a spouse return money they may no longer have the ability to return (i.e., they already spent it).
22. Be prepared for the dreaded “B” word. Depending on the financial situation of the parties, and the amount of the overall debt v. the ability of the parties to pay, a bankruptcy may be something to consider. If one spouse files, it will likely affect both.
23. Make a post-divorce budget. Knowing this information will help you plan ahead and can help you negotiate your divorce settlement.
24. Should you move out? Doing so could be a big mistake. Unless you are in an abusive marriage, it will likely be in your best interest to stay in the home until the divorce is finalized.
*Check out my blog: “Should I Stay of Should I go?”
25. Should I file for divorce first? Filing for divorce first, will allow you more control over the divorce process, and possibly provide some strategic benefits. However, filing first, will not give you any rights over that of your ex.
Bonus Tip: Do not forget to update your will!
Disclaimer: The information presented here is for general informational purposes and does not constitute legal advice.