Despite good intentions and great love for their kids, many parents find themselves acting out and regretting their actions during and after the divorce. The overwhelming emotions of divorce (i.e., sadness, regret, anger, despair, etc.), leave many parents feeling out of control—especially in the heat of the moment. In some cases, the drama plays out in the court room, carries over to exchanges of the kids, results in disparagement of the other parent, etc.
In the heat of the moment, when you are extremely hurt, angry and frustrated at your ex, remember you love your kids more than you hate your ex. Of course, you do. Here are some ways to walk that talk and be the best parent you can, despite the circumstances.
Keep the Peace
Co-parenting will never be 50/50, and you have no control over your ex. You only have control over your words and your actions, despite the other party’s bad behavior. Your kids do not understand the complexities of the emotion you are experiencing, and only see you acting like a raving lunatic. When you react, act out, vent, lose your temper (or temporarily your mind), you risk causing irreparable damage to your relationship with your kids—even to the point of the judge making your ex the primary residential parent.
Maintain Integrity and Relationships
You may hate it, but you will be co-parenting with your ex up to 18 x the number of kids you share in common, and likely beyond (graduations, weddings, etc.). During this very difficult—but temporary—time of transition and emotional pain you will need to vent, but not to your kids. Be an adult and seek out a counselor who is objective, unbiased and willing to listen. It is a much better option than demeaning and degrading the other parent, resulting in emotional and/or psychological harm to the kids.
No Badmouthing
Your child is a part of both you, and your ex. Your child loves both you and your ex. In fact, in many ways, they likely idolize each of you. So, when you degrade or disparage a kid’s other parent, that kid will naturally feel you are saying who they love and identify with is a bad person, making them question their judgement and their “goodness.”
Protect Your Child from Hostility
We teach our kids to be fair and resolve problems without anger, yelling, name calling, bad-mouthing, or violence. We teach our kids to not be bullies. Manners, integrity, problem-solving, and negotiating a fair outcome are learned skills. When caught up in the moment, or navigating a high-conflict divorce, it is easy to forget we have other options. Sometimes, the anger can be overwhelming. It is fair to say that the outcome of your divorce will hinge on both party’s ability to communicate effectively.
Take advantage of a program like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents, where both parties can keep unalterable records of every single message, text, or email, know nothing can be deleted, and all communication is an admissible court record. Every single word you write can be scrutinized by a judge, who is making parenting and visitation decisions regarding your children—often based upon the behavior of the parties. The judge does not know you, but your actions and words speak loudly and will affect the outcome of the case.
Are You a Being a Good Co-Parent?
If not, step up your game! You can do it…for your kids. Check out my blog, “Healthy Resources for a Difficult Time,” for a list of resources that can help you weather this difficult time, as well as be a better co-parent. Remember, divorce is an ending that deserves to be grieved, but it is also about second chances.
I am here to help you through the legal steps and support you through the process. Please contact me at: [email protected]
Disclaimer: The information presented here is for general informational purposes and does not constitute legal advice.